scraps of broken dreams

Dear WordPress,

of late i have been attending seminars and conferences, seeing and hearing the supernatural happen before my very eyes. i mean, how cool is that. well i am pretty much fresh off a mission trip, fresh off a BSSM, fresh off YaYA Camp i think i’m really just on a spiritual high.

i’m thinking back this past few weeks, my ORD, and all these other events really made me busy. i just feel that i have been in alot of trouble with my heart lately too! i think i’m losing my grip on my life. like panels of my self built atap roof is slipping away with the flooring and walls, this huge tornado is really gonna tear my leafy house down. sarah recently shared about some fig leaf theory, like how adam and eve hid from the all seeing God. abit dumb but i guess, it was the only solace that they could find.

i’m feeling quite confused at the moment because, i have so many decisions to make studies, and emotions are running wild and i have no idea what to do. after leaving the army, there is a sudden lost of steady income, that’s abit alarming too!

i recently found myself in a crisis, i’m looking desperately for someone to love because, i realized that i’m letting the one i love slip away. this desperation is held back by my logic, being a very logical person, i am able to give myself 10000000 reasons not to move because of desperation, but i realized that this is an insatiable feeling and it has to be curbed.

my first love is slipping away through my fingers and i cannot say i have no more feelings, but the feelings are still very real but they are thinning away, i felt my gut crunch when typing that because this feeling i had was real and given a choice, i hoped it had a good future sadly none was seen, oppression, both internal and external factors caused my castle built with blood, sweat and tears crumble before my eyes like a castle of cards. traces of where the castle stood is seen by few cards that lie in the vicinity after a violent storm has struck. however, on my knees looking at the fallen castle, i find myself with friends who would be with me, asking me to stand up and look beyond this fallen castle, which hid meadows and green pastures. though my gut still crunches and will forever continue to twist and turn with the mention of this castle’s name, i will try to forge on this path.

recently i found 3 travel companions, the first is a warrior, never bowing to any challenge, and still going strong even though the heart is really weary and wrenched. encourages me, sorts my thoughts and even makes sure i am ok and walking strong on my own journey.

next is a being which really makes me smile, random, and warm, this is really what friend are made of. seems distant at times, but is actually nearer than it seems.

third is a new addition, this one i cant really describe yet. nice and warm and has a 4 letter initial which is really my companion separated by technology.

to the girl, you know how i feel about you, i dont think it will change anytime soon.

i’m quite confused writing this, so if you dont understand, it’s really ok.