thoughts.
i have been wanting to do this post for the longest time, i guess procrastination is one of my middle names already.
looking at my stint in the _ _ _, i am already at the point where people would call the last leg. 5months left to my freedom, call me whatever but i think i’m about to say something i would not say when i first enlisted, i think i’m getting quite used to the wake up early life, get to work, slog it out, come home to dinner, not to forget all the backbiting and shit that happens during the day, well at my place in the _ _ _, the shit hits the fan daily. well i guess i dont really like change. looking at what lies before me, everything seems bleak, i want to study yet my options are few and i feel sad that i know so little.
*digression* sometimes i wonder if i could have actually done better in poly. seriously, i personally think i have never completed my education at any stage without at least fucking it up once. i’ll never forget 1st sem year 2. i failed a module in poly, *gasp* where am i going? fading away? sigh… and i met friends new friends who were actually very very nice! *digression* haha, God never fails.
now my future study venue is really troubling me, accreditation, is it really that important? i’m stuck what if i get a lousy degree? i’ll be dead is that it? hmmm. it’s really stressful. but how do people actually even make such decisions. the repercussions are just immense and just how big of a difference will it make? i’m just still quite sore i didnt even get anything close to what i wanted. but i wonder if God knows better. i’m really at a point where there is so much uncertainty around me, financial, econnomical, now my own problems, my usuallt carefree life is gone, when did my bubble burst? am i alone? everything just doesnt seem to fall into place. it’s like fitting a pebble in a coke bottle! you know it can fit inside but why is the opening so small? did i get the wrong coke bottle? sigh!
all these years i thought lydia was the only one for me, but yet that was taken away, i realised i dont know how to love anymore, did i give all my heart away? this is probably the hardest part of this post, i find myself empty, i find myself walking down a cobblestone road in my dreams, alone. previously i was me and her frolicking *makes me think of yoghurt* around down the knobbly hilly cobblestone roads, now i have occassional company and yet mostly i’m lonely.
recently, i self hurt cos i read too much went too deep, because i was lonely. loneliness is really sucky.
i want to go somewhere sit, read my book, see no other humans. cos i want to be alone and not lonely. i realised i only feel lonely with i see other people with other people. i have so many books to finish, 2 magazines of my favourite stuff, and QT.
my heart is really heavy, i think it’s growing limbs to strangle itself. i sometimes struggle to breathe yet i dont do my meds, trying to find out how it may feel like to die, my reason to jump into the frigid waters at telunas that’s why there was no scream. my life is worthless.
God, i messed up pretty well eh?
Samsamster said,
January 11, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Hey Clare.. it was a really sad post to read..
Today during service, i started thinking about my future, like what path i should choose for my studies. But I was really discouraged cause i was reminded of the mess i created for myself. For that moment, it really felt like no matter what choices i make from now, i’ve already messed it up and i cannot right it cause i’ve just let my chance slip by.
And as i was thinking, the Holy Spirit showed me that the only stable path is God’s path.. That when i choose that path, there is NO WAY it could go wrong for me. So i wanna encourage you.. There is no TOO BIG a mess that God cannot clear up. He managed the fall of mankind..What less you.
<3 plenty..
ahjoy said,
January 25, 2009 at 12:33 am
Ah you called me to go to your blog to listen to the song, yes and here I am! In all due honest aspect, it doesn’t matter on the degree to which you study. Which university you go to will only appease the bosses of the next time you get out there to obtain a degree.
Getting a degree from local unis definitely sets you apart somehow, cause local bosses have some kind of safety net and a positive perception of you. Unis from else where will depend on each and individual bosses, and say whether you intend to work in some big MNC or top companies, some are okay and satisfied with a uni degree, some must be from certain unis.
As they say, you can’t please the entire world, and really, you can’t please everyone, as to what I realise when i am now in my job search process, along the way hoping to land myself a job that can support myself and at the same time, be pleasing to God.
Do something that your hearts desire, and not something cause every tom, dick, harry out there is getting a degree in it? =) Then excelling in it wouldn’t be any hard at all, cause you enjoy what you’re doing!
Everyone procrastinates cause we’re afraid of change, we become human, our emotions take over our logical side of the brain. You’re normal and I think its an effect of as and when we go through another chapter in our journey called life.
Trying to make ourselves die, seems to go on deeper at times, to try to hide, but only too deep to try to get ourselves out of the mess. HAHAHA. Its ok, we can not trust ourselves but there’s always a trustworthy God to pick us up, whereever and whenever.
I always tell myself this, “man’s greatest achievements are not in falling, but in rising every time they fall”. I hold it quite dearly to myself, not saying we should test God and fall all the time, but the call to rise up each time we fall.
Don’t ever think you’re alone, i’m pretty much doing what you enjoy doing of shutting myself out from the world, from time to time. I guess its the only way to keep you sane from the unending changes around you, you need time to cope? =)
Your life is never worthless and I love playing when you’re playing with Wicky, and for being ever the person you are.
Never too big a problem for God, for there’s nothing He can’t do =) Hold on tight! Guess we’re growing up! <3