saturday, CHUCKY day.
well, today is the day i realised i am evil! i think i’m becoming evil, and already quite evil, flippant words, casual actions, tardy expressions. but i’m living my life like a couldn’t give less of a bother. i’m just like what the fuck, just live it like that, i’m so pent and having always to just keep bottling up discontentment, disagreement, and whatever other rubbish reason that the army causes me to give. I FUCK-BLEEDING-LY HATE THE ARMY! it’s a test i rather not go through, it just makes me so *no word to describe* hate it.
HA! you know what? i just realised that i may get a 1-way ticket to hell if God decided to call ARMAGEDDON today! i mean i’ve been doing to much crazy shit recently that i think all my salvation and good deeds might have been drowned by my EVIL-ness. =) but being bad, doing the opposite of common sense always seems so… FUN, no doubt i have been having fun, but looking back i think i’ve been cheating my integrity, bending my value set, changing my habits, so that i can have more of this FUN that i shouldn’t be having, i’m not getting worried, i’m dead.
but thinking back on my whatever actions, i just feel that i’ve been asking so much from God, and my patience to wait for his instruction has ran out, and i use my own means to attain what i want. i feel that God knows that i’m not ready to have the -blank- which is my greatest desire, cos i will not be able to appreciate it. this week was fucked up at best, that indian bitch kicking my ass all the time, constantly unappreciative, i’m morphing into something i dont want to be yet i’m addicted. i want my old self back. i want to be a bear, not CHUCKY the doll from hell. but yet i’m just so stuck in this CHUCKY mindset, i need to break free.
i’ve stopped reading the green book cos i realised i’ve fallen way short of the standard, i feel guilty, but i guess being CHUCKY, running away from what pricks my conscience is part and parcel of living a life less victorious, but i guess in life there’s no such thing as a partial victory right? less victorious just doesn’t exist, so i still win. i need to really take a break, make right myself with God. at this point i realise i have probably 6 or 7 of the 7 deadly sins making me CHUCKY now.
I’m crushed, persecuted & perplexed. at this point my heart is so heavy i feel like i have to drag my chest to lie down on the bed, sleep and hope all these goes away in the morning.
i want my God back but he might not need a CHUCKY in his home.
i feel EVIL.
