scraps of broken dreams

well last night i had my first night duty i have had in a very long time. so i decided to spend time with God brought out my bible, green book, and the church camp book. it’s been 3 months and i have not finished the book. He talked to me showing me that He wants me and my hands, my abilities to show his children that do not understand or know Him that He is love. An incomprehensible LOVE, an eternal being full of LOVE, this love is only felt/ understood by others who don’t know Him through more tangible means.

This makes God want to use us, our hands, feet, even our scars help in his big ministry, it’s only my blessing if i know his love, but it will be my blessing and His joy if i let another person know His LOVE. this to me is simply just fantastilliant, fantastic + brilliant. no word big and useful enough.

yes, so back to my week, i havent been updating, but i guess i have too many thoughts cant focus and posts just become post for the sake of posts, this is just goona defeat the purpose of this little escape of mine. but last night i learnt about debt. i guess if you wanna look at debt, and how it can become, look at the USofA, accumulating a debt 3 times your income is just going to be crazy to pay off. debts always start off manageable, but soon, the interests and other taxes and percentage multipliers snowballs and becomes a impending avalanche waiting to crash and crush you. this is a dark and dreary prospect, looking at things, we should just buy some gold and keep it at home. like maybe a few KGs of it. =X but i guess this is God’s warning to us so that we do not get into too big a debt, and not be able to pay it off.

sometimes i used to think that God knew nothing about economics but actually because He’s God and that’s precisely why he is above economic laws and he has his own ways of settling debt, we are just merely like children lost in our own sandpit and God is standing there outside the sandpit telling use where to go and how to go. his miracle performing hands are not like only for food or water or just feeding the 5000, i believe he will do something through someone that truly loves him and save the world from impending disaster, fantastilliant again. isnt it?

till i read more about him again.

my God is a fantastilliant God, he reigns.

I trust in you. my God.

sometimes i feel surrounded by many friends yet, there is no one i can talk to or relate to, i just feel the same way as when i first started this journal. sometimes secrets can be released on to the world and it will so called set me free from my burdens but i guess it is not to be, it is quite impossible sometimes even to tell the darkest secrets and struggles you go through, it is hard to know that impending condemnation from the people you hold ever so dear might know and shun you. rejection is my biggest fear, thinking about it, i have always tried to gain acceptance from everyone. my short time alone thinking about stuff has left me quite disappointed at the way i have been living my life. i have never really let anyone into my life and bared my soul to anyone, but yet, i find myself being so concerned about others sometimes i even feel that their problems become a part of me. it’s always nice to have someone to walk with through the hill and valleys, meadows and wastelands that life would bring me through. i have always secretly felt lonely beyond measure, in fact as i’m typing this i’m almost at tears thinking who would be with me if i was to go through crap now.