thoughts…
JEREMY CLARKSON – this is one astounding man, he comes up with extremely concise little phrases to bring a car caught on 2-D film and brings it into the 4th Dimension, you imagination. and believe me he is bloody good at what he does, maybe that’s why he is so well loved. i’ve been watching a ton of topgear, and i think it is not really good for me, i’m obsessed with cars, ferrari, lamborghini, aston martin, audi, merc *with the british accent* said as (MERK), ariel, pagani, alfas, the list just goes on and on. sigh i cant really name a car that i’m totally uninterested in.
i love cars. alot. but, i just somehow feel at this point that all these obsessions i have in my life is really stealing time away from God, and i really, feel guilty, but i just seem to go back to it once i hear the revvs of a real car.
another thing about cars is that i can kinda enjoy it alone and hide from everyone and just be a petrolhead, ogling at the curves of a ascari, the raw power of a veyron, no need to find someone to talk to just, me and my revvs, turbo, superchargers, grunts from european engine, etc. realise i didnt need human contact?
sigh, i think i’m a friendly person, but yet i sometimes feel that the world doesnt need me, God doesnt need me, BUT! Thank GOD (again) that he LOVES ME!
but yet. some random human transport, born to be a slave to me has somehow or rather sucked me in, to a huge neverending vortex of torque and horsepower bringing me deeper and deeper in love in the wrong direction! i was made to have communion with God by God for God, right? but yet something my forefathers created broke this very elementary principle, there shall be no others before him, cos get this right, he’s Jealous!
i’m probably the child that fell in love with the gifts and not the giver, the love not the lover, and the bottomline is i’m a bad kid yet some being superior to anything known to man loves me, and it’s weird, it’s like a human loving a bacteria, so much that it died and gave his life for it. incredible? it was done 2000+ years ago, i’m not theologean so i dont know the exact date and wont type it out here.
i constantly find hope in His love for me. i always have, but recently my hope has been that of my topgear downloads, 5 5 . 6 G B of it. crazy but true. a phrase that struck me was nice but to me was kinda startling about the F40 (it’s a ferrari from 15 years ago – my temptation), read, ” … it gives other motorist at the traffic light hope, cos it’s got turbo lag, for the first few moments you can keep up with that ferrari, but when you turn to your friend and say ‘ look! we are keeping up with that ferrari!’, their response, ‘what ferrari?’ POOF, and it’s Gone!” isnt that a very sadistic view of temptation?
the God that loves me is definitely not sadistic, his heart probably breaks when we mess up no he would gloat and say ‘haha what a noob!’ that is my God, he walks beside me all the way.
as for friends, i’m really sorry i havent been myself for a while, probably wont be soon. sigh, i’m not doing good but i dont know how to tell you guys at all. seriously, i struggle to vocalise my hurts and issues, that night alvin told me what God said i was trying really hard to do that but it failed. it made me seem like a godless bloke. i’m feeling pathetic. hence everytime i feel like watching topgear everytime this lousy feeling comes. i’m sorry :’( – to the people who care about me.
