scraps of broken dreams

sigh it’s been a pretty crappy day. i feel so lethargic and tired, weary from the toils and monotony of the army. i really dont like regimentalisation, its the worst way to run/ manage people. it’s just damn constipated and boring. well my only happy thought is the church camp that is coming. something fun to look forward to, haha, well i think sometimes i feel that i am too concerned about people like their happiness affects my happiness. but i kinda like it that way i can empathised with them pretty well. nice to know that some of my friends are like that, care and concern just keeps coming. it’s like the moment i dont feel good or safe they know. IMMEDIATELY! cool right? sigh. i think my friends are my dearest possession.

today is wednesday, i’ll be heading to the ECP East Coast Park, for those who are too lazy to think or figure, wait the worst part is that i have to be there at … 8AM! so ridiculous. sigh so far away… hmmm i know the beach si nice in the morning and comforting at night. anyone ever just tried lying down on the sand at night, gazing at the stars, feeling the nice breeze blow over a tired body, listening to the waves creeping on to the beach relentlessly, occasional SINGAPOREAN boat driver honking the damned horn, wonderful isnt it? hmmm. I need some of that now. i could use a lot of that, less army, less work, less scolding. wonderful world it will be =) a world of pure R&R. ahhh…

well, of late i realised that my heart seems to be healing, scabs developing but healing. i wanna do more for God and less for myself. my emotions are going berserk, i need to be less of a drama king. hope i’ll have fun at ECP tomorrow! =) xoxo whoever reads.

hmmm, this has been one of the most fun weekends i have had in a long time, we went out alot. but being singapore, we were just struggling to find places to go after supper hours.

the day began as usual, church on sunday morning had YABF, we played some games really fun, it was like massive survivor edited, 1st challenge was to fill a bottle of water using straws and sucking from a common pool and then regurgitating it into another bottle. SICK. but all of us had tons of fun! shoving and trying to fill up the bottle. the rest of the challenges are fuzzy but i guess we had quite a few, one was 4 way dog and bone, floorball penalty shootout, scissors paper stone adaptation, fun fearsome fun! oh wells went out for some food at MOS burger. after that we met for dinner taka, and went for a walk to find more fun things to do. arcade, running around paragon was kinda fun. after that we went to alvin’s house got the car and went for supper, it got boring, i was bored, there was no where to go and nothing to do after we had our food so we went home, it was 2 am by the time i got home. amidst all these events i sensed somewhat there is a growing love and concern amongst the YA, like someone prayed for this, it’s ike we care more about how each other feels and not to leave out anyone and this is very wonderful to see happen in my own church. i’m quite glad i guess God’s love for us is manifested in many forms. care and concern among the YAs is most definitely among one of the many forms, if anything i have been encouraged to lave and care for as many people as i can i want to show the world my Jesus’ Love.

there is a small little group of people who i can never thank God enough for putting in my life, the undying concern, care, and just presence in my life has just been indispensible. i’m sure people belonging to this group are those who actually read this blog. you know who you are, really thankful for each of you. i honestly have been going through like wasteplants worth of shit. yet i didnt feel alone and i felt like because of grace, and love from God i can try to stand up walk forward and face the world. knowing with God and the “family” he has given me there is really nothing impossible to surpass.

the most important thing is not that Clarence loves God, but GOD LOVES CLARENCE. word.

the weekends are here, this week i learnt a big lesson. some bastards are lucky to get through life slacking, some just have to be the sloggers who lead sucky lives to pick up after those “lucky bastards”. hmm, other than that, i have been having fun this week! the concept of car wash was fun, washing cars to raise money for charity was cool, for once i see my cold and evil army unit that deny all those poor people’s deferment from the ICTs, uniting to raise money for the less fortunate! so nice, for once the people seem human and so kind hearted. well, i was hoping friday came quick, my heart was heavy and need a big break from the evil office  where i have to slog and work, now finally my chance has come, i have taken a day off on tuesday, making my weekend 4 days long! wooHOO! Now weekends are so so precious, times where i get to see my friends meet them up for coffee, lunch, dinner, or whatever, it’s just time spent with them that makes me that much happier. sigh, my heart is feeling light and happier today so i guess my post isnt going to be a EMO one. i am actually looking forward to 21st birthday parties that i can attend, or any birthday parties for that matter! went to collect my shades, mod my cousin’s PSP, met petpet and MH, went to church help D out with bass, haha he’s a bit of a nubcake but, everyone was once nub! =D jiayou! hmmm i saw BFF today too i guess i dont know how to feel about her la, but i guess she always makes me feel a sense of guilt when i neglect her and whatever, i guess that’s friendship right? sigh my bestie is in abit of girl trouble and i dont know how to help him he’s like casting his heart out there hoping to reel in a girl to walk this lonely period of his life with him, i’m so lost and helpless cant help him cos this is love and i cant fix him up neither can i teach him cos i would not be him right? i’m feeling so sad for him, cos he is always pangsehed and whatever not by people who claim to be his friends.  have been listening to lifehouse quite a bit, the album no name face is nice. here’s a song from that album.

Somewhere In Between;

I can’t be losing sleep over this, no I can’t
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I’ll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I’ll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cuz I’m wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don’t want to run away from this
I know that I just don’t need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz I’m wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

well today was one of the few highlights of the my week. well, i’ll start from yesterday Saturday, (cos it’s 12am already), i was doing my extra duty for the handphone incident, well it was quite good i got free breakfast but i was very tired after that, my dad came to pick me from CMPB where i work, wonderful, fetched home like a king. nice, took a shower and fel asleep 30secs later. wonderful! haha, woke up just in time for worship practice. yay! haha. had fun playing, it was so enjoyable although i was tired it was good. =) hmmm. went to ahkoo’s house after and met my cousins, wonderful havent seen them in  quite a while. everyone’s busy. but now it’s pretty much holiday for most so we had mother’s day dinner. nice food as usual. went home sleep.

then came sunday! my favourite day of the week, S came up to me asked me how i was, as happy as i was she remembered me, i didnt know how to answer her, i’m actually quite shattered, it’s not anything to do with her but i’m just lonely yet i cant seem to find the happy chatty me. i just feel crappy and low. i dont know why, i think she might be disappointed, but i guess my BFF was also disappointed with me, i wasnt a good person to have a conversation with she was asking all the questions. it seems like i’m slowly closing up and become a loner not because no one cares but i just push them away. i have no idea why i’m doing that. seriously. i miss S, BFF, B, my pet, cus, V, aLOT. even my cousin knows something’s amiss with me. i guess i just find it hard to open up. well, to my dearest (which is people who read this) i going through FUCKING HELL now i think it is self imposed. i just cant seem to feel joyful and happy. i need help but i’ve been shoving all the help away. i’m quite crushed and discouraged. for no idea what too. my heart just feels heavy and burdened. at GDOP, i felt a sense of liberation, self vindication when i was shouting God’s praises, my usually constricted chest feels so light! when i was praying i was happy, knowing that the great God loves me. for being shitty fucked up and screwed, yet he just wants me to be joyful and happy. incredible?

here’s a BIG SORRY to people who tried to talk to em today i was feeling shitty, so so sorry, deep down i really want to talk and tell you everything. ask me K? i’ll spill it all. promise darlings. love love clare.

here’s the  OUTRO!

Only One for Me

I wanna be everything You want me to be
I wanna live my life for You
You’ve placed in me everything I need to go on
I wanna show my whole world You

I put my trust in everything Your word says You are
I wanna live my life for You
I see Your truth, find grace in everything that You do
I’m gonna live to worship You

I look to You and all Your ways
I seek Your face and praise Your name

All I need is, all I need is You
In everything little thing I do
All I need is, all I need is You
Cause You’re the only One, the only One for me.

Never wanna be, never wanna be
Livin’, livin’ less than all You want for me
Giving all my life to my God and I will worship You

sometimes i feel surrounded by many friends yet, there is no one i can talk to or relate to, i just feel the same way as when i first started this journal. sometimes secrets can be released on to the world and it will so called set me free from my burdens but i guess it is not to be, it is quite impossible sometimes even to tell the darkest secrets and struggles you go through, it is hard to know that impending condemnation from the people you hold ever so dear might know and shun you. rejection is my biggest fear, thinking about it, i have always tried to gain acceptance from everyone. my short time alone thinking about stuff has left me quite disappointed at the way i have been living my life. i have never really let anyone into my life and bared my soul to anyone, but yet, i find myself being so concerned about others sometimes i even feel that their problems become a part of me. it’s always nice to have someone to walk with through the hill and valleys, meadows and wastelands that life would bring me through. i have always secretly felt lonely beyond measure, in fact as i’m typing this i’m almost at tears thinking who would be with me if i was to go through crap now. unwilling solitude, i guess Jesus always had God with him. until that moment he died, i guess Jesus does know loneliness. but i hate loneliness. i dont like being lonely. hmmm. i should sleep.

hmmm. have fun overseas all those flying away.

well i had quite a few things and commitments lined up. took quite a bit out of me. i saw those cute eddies that made the leaves dance again yesterday. even my friend got fascinated. we spent about 15mins stunned  by the dance of the leaves standing at the porch area of my office, looking at them dance. anyhows this week was kinda solitude. i guess i sms-ed a bit less and it somewhat felt like 2 weekends in one week. thank God for 1st of MAY! haha. i dont really know what to type here. i know i’m just feeling abit better compared to the last posts. yay!

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I Have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger,” “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

“No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine. Copyright New Attitude, 1995. You have permission to reprint this in any form. We only ask that you include the appropriate copyright byline and do not alter the content.