scraps of broken dreams

and boys. just so troublesome sometimes. i feel like a driftwood.

not meant to be understood.

Seems like everyone else has a love just for them,
I don’t mind, we have such a good time,
My best friend, but sometimes, well,
I wish we could be more than friends,
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh..

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I’ve often wondered, do you feel the same?
There’s a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we’re all alone,
So don’t tell me
You can’t see
What I’m thinking of.

I can understand that you don’t want to cross the line,
And you know i can’t promise you things,
Will turn out fine,
But i have to be honest, I want you to be mine
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh…

I get so breathless, when you call my name,
I’ve often wondered, do you feel the same?
There’s a chemistry, energy, a synchronicity
When we’re all alone,
So don’t tell me
You can’t see
Oh!

‘Cause I’ve tried to do this right in your own time
I’ve been telling with my eyes, my heart’s on fire,
Why don’t you realise?
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
I get so breathless…

who are you? my miss right? God help me….

hello wordpress,

i’m back! well i was recently asked by some friends to actually blog about my internship. i would actually, i am really starting to realize that the church is really no different to any other organization. there will always be irritating people present, there is no perfect organization. even a pastor somewhere once said, if you have no problems in your church, your church is bad is bad for you LEAVE immediately! either that, or you are just simply delusional. so i’m starting to see this. i’m glad i’m in a proper church, there are problems. i’m glad i have no negative feelings, but i guess in the midst of the matter/ situation it’s different. but then again i’m not one to bear much grudges. the biggest difference in the church is that everyone has one common culture, we are all royalty in the kingdom ushering God’s love to the people of this sunny island. we do what we do because of love. i really understand how this love is translated, honouring others, confronting people, God’s love allows us to do these things to anyone. i really mean anyone, not just friends, not just nice people, even people who offend your mind.

as part of my internship, i have read hebrews, romans, acts, mark, matthew, john. hahaha! so nice right? i like hebrews and romans alot. i have talked to many people with uncle henry as well, these people are really having life tough, our natural society in singapore is sometimes really unkind to people like them yet we are called to love and show love to the unloved and honour the un-honourable and the weak. i sure anyone who has been on humanitarian trips will see the pain of the people living in conditions that are bad, no electricity, no water in small homes with no furniture. well such people do exist in Singapore and we really do not need to go to the ends of the earth to find them, whether or not it’s their fault that they have landed in this predicament is really of no concern we just show love, talk to them, pray for them even feed them. to me my paycheck from church is really mediocre, of no value. i feel that my greatest wage is the knowledge that even people who are not kingdom people see the ray of hope in God, although it may seem like lip service, my heart really wants to believe that they are really seeing the hope in God, in my Jesus, who really can save the whole world!  i want to believe in them when they see the hope in God that they can break free from the clutches of the evil one and really soar with God. KV once said something like this, when we see people we dont tell them they are dirt(aka shit) but we actually call out the GOLD in them making them realize that being created in the image of God we were built to ROCK! the BAD guy is really scared that we actually ROCK! I ROCK, I WANT YOU TO ROCK TOO! that’s why i believe in everyone. think about it imagine we could see what God sees in each of us and loves us for that, imagine if i could see like that i’d be so heart broken for the people of this world. how am i to love them so much? do i have that much love to give? God love me more so i can have the capacity to love others.

on a side note, i think i’m not over you, when i saw someone help you up, my heart skipped a beat, my mind went blank, i screwed up my song and my hands and feet suddenly felt like they were not mine. you still break my heart. you still do……. not meant to be understood, dont bother asking.

Goodnight wordpress. i love you

well hello wordpress, i’m back…

Alot has happened lately, i’m actually in the biggest war in my life, i’m really fighting very hard. now that i am sick it is a physical, mental, and really very much spiritual war. i must say i’m winning on some losing on some, i can’t possibly win all can i? but i’m sure one day i will, cos, “You make all things work together for my good. YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS!” recently i am reading matthew, the book, this verse struck me hard, “Don’t look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention.” Matthew 7:13-14 The Message. Total attention, how do i even dedicate such a thing to God when i have not known such a thing? But that is what God wants from us total undivided attention.

at this moment i’m very glad to be able to really just spend this time before my uni meaningfully, i’ve been through alot since the last post i realised that the last post was after YaYA camp, i was part of a very miraculous thailand mission trip, which was awesome, the only miracle we did not see was the rasing of the dead, the blind saw, the lame walked and the deaf heard. so glad and thankful for this opportunity. i really feel that all these events have just led to a build up of a greater appetite for more of God, and really wanting to seek his righteousness in my life. i want to grow bigger and become a giant for God. just being 185 is not enough for me i want to be 1000km tall in God’s kingdom.

Dear WordPress,

of late i have been attending seminars and conferences, seeing and hearing the supernatural happen before my very eyes. i mean, how cool is that. well i am pretty much fresh off a mission trip, fresh off a BSSM, fresh off YaYA Camp i think i’m really just on a spiritual high.

i’m thinking back this past few weeks, my ORD, and all these other events really made me busy. i just feel that i have been in alot of trouble with my heart lately too! i think i’m losing my grip on my life. like panels of my self built atap roof is slipping away with the flooring and walls, this huge tornado is really gonna tear my leafy house down. sarah recently shared about some fig leaf theory, like how adam and eve hid from the all seeing God. abit dumb but i guess, it was the only solace that they could find.

i’m feeling quite confused at the moment because, i have so many decisions to make studies, and emotions are running wild and i have no idea what to do. after leaving the army, there is a sudden lost of steady income, that’s abit alarming too!

i recently found myself in a crisis, i’m looking desperately for someone to love because, i realized that i’m letting the one i love slip away. this desperation is held back by my logic, being a very logical person, i am able to give myself 10000000 reasons not to move because of desperation, but i realized that this is an insatiable feeling and it has to be curbed.

my first love is slipping away through my fingers and i cannot say i have no more feelings, but the feelings are still very real but they are thinning away, i felt my gut crunch when typing that because this feeling i had was real and given a choice, i hoped it had a good future sadly none was seen, oppression, both internal and external factors caused my castle built with blood, sweat and tears crumble before my eyes like a castle of cards. traces of where the castle stood is seen by few cards that lie in the vicinity after a violent storm has struck. however, on my knees looking at the fallen castle, i find myself with friends who would be with me, asking me to stand up and look beyond this fallen castle, which hid meadows and green pastures. though my gut still crunches and will forever continue to twist and turn with the mention of this castle’s name, i will try to forge on this path.

recently i found 3 travel companions, the first is a warrior, never bowing to any challenge, and still going strong even though the heart is really weary and wrenched. encourages me, sorts my thoughts and even makes sure i am ok and walking strong on my own journey.

next is a being which really makes me smile, random, and warm, this is really what friend are made of. seems distant at times, but is actually nearer than it seems.

third is a new addition, this one i cant really describe yet. nice and warm and has a 4 letter initial which is really my companion separated by technology.

to the girl, you know how i feel about you, i dont think it will change anytime soon.

i’m quite confused writing this, so if you dont understand, it’s really ok.

MISTAKE #1: Being
Too Much Of A Nice Guy

Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted to “nice” guys?

Of course you have.

Just like me, I’m sure you’ve had attractive female friends that always seemed to date “jerks”… but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.

What’s going on here?

It’s actually very simple…

Women don’t base their choices of men on how “nice” a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what?

Being nice doesn’t make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.

And being NICE doesn’t make a woman CHOOSE you.

I realize that this doesn’t make a lot of logical sense, and it’s hard to ACCEPT… but GET OVER IT.

Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you’ll NEVER have the success with women that you want.

MISTAKE #2: Trying To
“Convince Her To Like You”

What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like… but she’s just not interested?

Right! They try to “convince” the woman to feel differently.

Well, I have news for you… YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN “FEELS” WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!

Never, ever, EVER.

You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with “logic and reasoning”.

Think about it.

If a woman doesn’t “feel it” for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being “reasonable” with her?

But we all do it.

When a woman just isn’t interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.

Bad idea. One that will never work.

MISTAKE #3: Looking To Her
For Approval Or Permission

In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman’s “approval” or “permission”.

Another HORRIBLE idea.

Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them… EVER.

Don’t get me wrong here.

You don’t have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.

But if you think that treating a woman well means “always getting her approval and permission for things”, think again.

You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.

Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her…

MISTAKE #4: Trying To Buy Her Affection With Food And Gifts

How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn’t treat her even HALF as well as you did?

If you’re like me, then you’ve had it happen a LOT.

Well guess what?

It’s only NATURAL when this happens…

That’s right, I said NATURAL.

When you do these things, you send a clear message:

“I don’t think you’ll like me for who I am, so I’m going to try to buy your attention and affection”.

Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That’s right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.

MISTAKE #5: Sharing
How You Feel Too Early In
The Relationship With Her

Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they “feel” too early on.

Attractive women are rare.

And they get a LOT of attention from men.

Most men don’t realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE TIME.

An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translates into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.

And guess what?

Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.

That’s right. They have EXPERIENCE.

They know what to expect.

And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying “You know, I really, REALLY like you” after one or two dates.

This signals to the woman that you’re just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast… and can’t control themselves.

Don’t do it. Lean back. Relax.

There’s a much better way…

MISTAKE #6: Not Getting How Attraction Works For Women

Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.

You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.

When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.

But does the same apply for women?

Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?

Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their “attraction mechanisms” triggered by things OTHER than looks.

Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?

Think about it.

Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men… and they’re attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.

If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

But it’s not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.

And ANY guy can learn how…

MISTAKE #7: Thinking That It
Takes Money And Looks

One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they’ve even gotten started… because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money… or guys who are a certain height… or guys who are a certain age.

And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.

But MOST women are far more interested in a man’s personality than his wallet or his looks.

There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet…

And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.

YOU DO NOT have to “settle” for a woman just because you aren’t rich, tall, or handsome.

Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly,you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

MISTAKE #8: Giving Away
All Of Your Power To Women

Earlier I mentioned that it’s a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.

Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.

Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.

Another bad idea…

Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over… Women aren’t attracted to Wussies!

MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing EXACTLY What To Do In Each Type Of Situation With Women

Now I’m going to blow your mind…

A woman ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking.

Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That’s ten TIMES.

I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you’re out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.

And if you don’t know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won’t help!

And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating…

Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical… everything.

If you don’t know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up… and LOSE EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW it.

It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman… from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.

MISTAKE #10: Not Getting HELP

This is the biggest mistake of all.

This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want.

I know, guys don’t like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don’t like to ask for help.

lifted from some random site. haha. oops

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don’t focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don’t ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

cool?

Psalm 73: 23 – 28

²³Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand.

²⁴You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory.

²⁵Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.

²⁶My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.

²⁷For behold, those who are far from You shall perish; You will destroy all who are false to You and like [spiritual] harlots depart from You.

²⁸But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.

today was one of the worst in my short life and i guess i met with my fair share of problems, wicky felt strange and sounded not like her usual self. my hands were getting cold, i was jumpy. bass on the system sounded bad. i completely noob out, i was crushed, i was looking forward to this practice all week yet i screwed it up. my heart was broken, my soul was perplexed, i wanted so much to just give up. i wanted to break down and cry. i really did. what happened?

i felt dry and empty. i’m still aching from the recent happenings of the week. i was let down so many times this week, up to this point i think i have felt so much disappointment i have lost count of the occassions, i’m feeling really sad now. God are you there? i’m sorry that it always has to come to this before i realise my mistakes. but i’m just very lost.

Yes! I AM BACK! I haven’t written a proper post in such a long time! Well lately my life has been pretty messy; I’ve been a bit more sloppy and Laissez-faire towards everything in general. I guess I don’t want to care, or so at least I say I don’t want to… this post know I have to do yet I have nothing to say. I have so many feelings bottled up so many things to say so much I want to tell the world yet my fingers just can’t depress the correct keys my brain cannot conjure up the appropriate words to describe the happiness, elation, agony, pain & grief that smite my soul.

*digression*

Yesterday, at church, my hands were trembling as I was playing wickie. This is the first time it has happened on wickie, I have tried to focus and strain my hands and arms but they were behaving like they weren’t mine!

Then I was reminded how God provided my dearest wickie, she’s on my stand at the moment I can see her just out of the corner of my eyes. Her beautiful faded flames on maple, strong burly neck made from ovangkol, slightly tarnished gold hardware, and the wristband that is wrapped around her head with the cross on it as if it was harnessing a tone monster for Jesus, friends who have played it think that she sounds fearsome, low and growly. Yet God dropped her onto my lap at a youth camp in 2007.

It was this camp that I first encountered wickie, but at that point of time she belonged to another friend. I was just going about my duties in this youth camp, and out of the blue I was asked to help a worship team play the bass! I wasn’t even prepared! I left giddy, my other bass at home! I wasn’t expecting to play so I left her at home! My first thought! I don’t have a bass to play! =( my friend, Manson, the person who sold me the bass eventually was generous and said well you can use mine! My first thought was “is he going to lend me some lousy banged up guitar?” he reached into what looked like a rockbag like the one i have at home, and pulled out a guitar with a single letter emblem like giddy! I awestruck! So nice! So beautiful! She had the same colour scheme as giddy only brighter, heavier and chunkier than giddy! By the way giddy have a cursive “V” for her emblem, wickie had a “W” made of a shiny material. During practice, I felt like wickie was such a hard guitar to play! She had one more string than giddy, her neck was fat and hard, I struggled. “PRAY!” something somewhere reminded me, so I did, I cannot remember what I prayed what I did. Practice for me went as bad as bad could get, I was discouraged. Time for worship came I played, Manson said I played way better than practice. I was encouraged. After service, I had a short conversation with Manson; I mentioned that I wanted to buy a new guitar! He asked if I was interested in a Warwick. I was stunned, I knew what a Warwick was at that time, but didn’t really know how one looked like or felt like. He told me the bass I just played was a Warwick, my jaw probably dropped. I told him I would ponder it over, a few months later he asked if I was serious about buying a new bass I told him yes he lent me he bass for almost a month, to try and practice it was the best bass my ears ever heard till I heard like the other more prolific basses recently. Then mummy generously sponsored half of wickie and I had wickie!

*end-of-digression*

I thought i should post a list of everything i want to buy in the near future!

- Backpack – same capacity or bigger than ChromeOren =)

- Monster Bass Cables

- Gator Semi Hardcase for Wickie

- Backup Bass – Yamaha BB/ Fender 24V – long term

- Tech 21 SansAmp Bass Driver DI

- EHX Bassballs just for fun

Hillsongs – Forever
Album: The I Heart Revolution
I’ll Worship at Your Throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart I’ll sing
For You my Dad and King
I’ll live for all my days
To Put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It’ll be for eternity

And Oh how wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
And how far You would come
If ever I was lost
And You said that all You feel for me
Is undying love
That You showed me through the cross

I’ll worship You my God
I’ll worship You my God
I love You
I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You
Be with You

this song was speaking to my soul just as i was on my way home from my Lunar New Year Celebrations. I was looking at the scenery pass by when this line came up, “And You said that all You feel for me, Is Undying LOVE” God bridged an unfathomable rift between us, human, to just show us his love, so through Jesus himself he showed the world ultimate LOVE. My GOD! you really do love me huh, you who is are reading this i believe he loves you too. =)

leaving this bunch of people in army is really bittersweet i dont really know how to feel when the day comes that i have to surrender my passes and cards. Just 5 more months. this is relatively short.

as i’m typing this post, so many feelings are running through my head, i guess i’m just really blessed in my life thus far, looking back Jesus really never gave up on me, i had a dark period in my poly life i was just a church go-er yet he still showed that he is faithful giving me many opportunities and chances and brilliant opportunities. GOD is fantastic. i’m not a believer in co-incidence, God always has you within is best plan, no way anyone can screw up so bad you fall out of his plan for you. =) fantastic! happy new year!

Sorry, this video is the version from the album Best Friend.

i have been wanting to do this post for the longest time, i guess procrastination is one of my middle names already.

looking at my stint in the _ _ _, i  am already at the point where people would call the last leg. 5months left to my freedom, call me whatever but i think i’m about to say something i would not say when i first enlisted, i think i’m getting quite used to the wake up early life, get to work, slog it out, come home to dinner, not to forget all the backbiting and shit that happens during the day, well at my place in the _ _ _, the shit hits the fan daily. well i guess i dont really like change. looking at what lies before me, everything seems bleak, i want to study yet my options are few and i feel sad that i know so little.

*digression* sometimes i wonder if i could have actually done better in poly. seriously, i personally think i have never completed my education at any stage without at least fucking it up once. i’ll never forget 1st sem year 2. i failed a module in poly, *gasp* where am i going? fading away? sigh… and i met friends new friends who were actually very very nice! *digression* haha, God never fails.

now my future study venue is really troubling me, accreditation, is it really that important? i’m stuck what if i get a lousy degree? i’ll be dead is that it? hmmm. it’s really stressful. but how do people actually even make such decisions. the repercussions are just immense and just how big of a difference will it make? i’m just still quite sore i didnt even get anything close to what i wanted. but i wonder if God knows better. i’m really at a point where there is so much uncertainty around me, financial, econnomical, now my own problems, my usuallt carefree life is gone, when did my bubble burst? am i alone? everything just doesnt seem to fall into place. it’s like fitting a pebble in a coke bottle! you know it can fit inside but why is the opening so small? did i get the wrong coke bottle? sigh!

all these years i thought lydia was the only one for me, but yet that was taken away, i realised i dont know how to love anymore, did i give all my heart away? this is probably the hardest part of this post, i find myself empty, i find myself walking down a cobblestone road in my dreams, alone. previously i was me and her frolicking *makes me think of yoghurt* around down the knobbly hilly cobblestone roads, now i have occassional company and yet mostly i’m lonely.

recently, i self hurt cos i read too much went too deep, because i was lonely. loneliness is really sucky.

i want to go somewhere sit, read my book,  see no other humans. cos i want to be alone and not lonely. i realised i only feel lonely with i see other people with other people. i have so many books to finish, 2 magazines of my favourite stuff, and QT.

my heart is really heavy, i think it’s growing limbs to strangle itself. i sometimes struggle to breathe yet i dont do my meds, trying to find out how it may feel like to die, my reason to jump into the frigid waters at telunas that’s why there was no scream. my life is worthless.

God, i messed up pretty well eh?